My Tribute to Ollie
Much like everyone else, I was shocked and very sad to hear about Ollie earlier this week. Over the last few days, I have thought a lot about Ols. Inevitably, because he was such a very funny chap, I have laughed out loud, but also shed a tear or two. Below are just a few memories...
Ols is one of my oldest friends, one of my favorite people. He was a kind, generous, moral and an oh so funny man who (despite all the banter and some times brutal piss-taking) was always very kind and good to me. He was such an integral part of a group of friends I was lucky enough to grow up with.
I think I would have first met Ollie back in third form at Judd. I can’t remember if he was in the same class but he was on the same school bus (Fordcombe and Penshurst).
I used to go to his house (Danby Hall). A rambling Victorian mansion with loads of rooms, corridors, and best of all a pool table. I recall that one of his many bedrooms (over time) had a painting of an Octopus on it. I remember asking him why he had decided to have an Octopus on his wall to which he replied that it wasn’t his idea, the painter who decorated the room liked Octopus’s and had taken it on himself to paint it (I’m still figuring this one out). I am not always sure how much he rated my intelligence. He once tried to convince me that his cats were selffeeding – all you had to do is leave a box of Kit Kat out and they would do the rest. I didn’t fall for it of course but I recall him being convinced I did.
His house was very musical and this obviously rubbed off on Ollie. I have a vivid image of Ollie at school in his uniform with the grey/green violin case in his hand. His talents were popular – he could play Scott Joplin and perhaps most important of all, the theme tune to Trumpton.
There were some very funny moments at School.
“Blockbusters” was very popular on TV at the time (a few of us inc Ols auditioned for it – any excuse to get away from school) and Ollie created his own version which we played in the Common Room, Smutbusters. This was a theme that featured a lot over the years.
There was the time, probably in 4th or 5th form when it had snowed on the playing fields at Judd and just about all of Hayesbrooke had descended on Judd ready for the mother of all snowball fights. I remember Ollie with some purpose marching out towards the throng of Hayesbrooke boys saying, “Leave this with me, I know these people”. The trouble for Ols is that he didn’t know all of them, and those that he did, didn’t give a toss. Ollie was hit by a wall of snowballs and mud and staggered, fell and then promptly made a hasty exit – he was sent home to get changed!
In sixth form, a group of us including Ollie, Mark and Phil ended up doing Home Studies (which a great excuse to dick around) and consisted of Gardening and Cooking. Our first attempts at gardening resulted in us half butchering the School Garden (very enthusiastic pruning). Cooking meant a stroll up to Fosse Bank girl’s school. Our best dish was christened “Shoeoup”. This contained two ingredients, boiling water and my shoes (bastards!) - I think it was Ollie’s idea.
Around this time, we started going to parties and Ollie’s place was ideally suited (we could always count on a ready supply of Ollie’s Dad’s homebrew – I can vividly remember the taste!). We also started frequenting some of the local pubs (the George and Chaff in particular).
I remember Ollie becoming somewhat obsessed by a magician called Crisco (Britain’s fastest or was it funniest and zaniest). Ols was so taken with this chap that he persuaded us all to chip in and hire him for Mark’s 21 st (I looked him up on the web and he’s still going after 50 years in the business). Ollie built him up somewhat telling us that he was fast and zany, so much so that he ended up not being quite so fast or zany as we had hoped (he has nothing on you Ols).
I remember the Great Storm of 87. I am not sure if Ollie came along to see Liberty Mountain (an Elvis impersonator – I laughed solidly for the first ten minutes of the concert) at the Assembly Hall on the night of the storm. I do remember, me, Ols, Stan and Cath negotiating our way past fallen trees to Fordcombe and whiling the evening away at Ols’ place and the Chafford.
We went on a few holidays together. There was a trip “up north” to catch up with various mates at university. I vividly remember the state of the car astray after a week of intense smoking – Ols would nonchalantly say, “Snout Bob”? There was a hilarious week in Cornwall (Boscastle) and also a trip to Wiesbaden with Clint and Ollie’s mum to pick up a car for Ollie (left hand drive VW Polo). One of my all time funny moments occurred on this trip. One thing that Wiesbaden has in common with T. Wells is a boating lake. In the middle of which are some quite spectacular fountains which jet out of the water (and no barrier between them and the misguided casual boater). With a few knowing glances between us, and with Norman Wisdom-like inevitability, our boat drifted (headed) straight for the water fountains. You probably had to be there but we got a tad wet, the boat starting filling up with water and we laughed uncontrollably for about 10 minutes. The German “Parkie” was unexpectedly understanding, and even thought it a trifle amusing. There were so many other times when Ollie was such a part of what we did. Some of the best times I recall were after parties where we all stayed the night. The following day, we would nurse our hangovers by laughing over games of “consequences” and other generally smutty trivia with Ollie relishing his role at the heart of it all.
Over the last few years (since I moved over to NZ), I haven’t see Ols anywhere near as much as I would have liked. But every time I came back, I think I always made sure I caught up with him. When he had his first album out (Franks Atom, the Games People Play), I think I was the” Guinea Pig” for his online payment system (did everyone else end up paying a tenner?). He sent me off to NZ with a large supply of “Franks Atom” beer mats (though I am not quite sure what he was trying to achieve by this – instant success in the world’s smallest market).
I was also kept in touch via Ollie’s regular e-mail missives on topics ranging from Pauline Prescott’s cocktail sausage party, Dr Johnson’s Bovine Dictionary and Potato Croquet. In fact, I am pleased to say that me and my kids had NZ’s first (I suspect the world’s first and only) game of potato croquet one rainy Sunday afternoon last year down our hall way. We used raw whole spuds (not mash).
I last saw Ollie about a year ago when I was back in England for only a week or so. A few of us went out one night including Ollie and he also dropped me off at the airport (left hand drive VW Polo – a different one though). I can’t quite recall all we talked about but it would have been the usual fair – a bit about what we were up (nothing too serious) mixed with some of the more important stuff – taking the piss, idle name calling, what all our mates had been up, probably a bit of smut thrown in for good measure. I also remember asking him whether he had managed to somehow slot “Mr Blue Sky” into his sessions at the Grey Lady. I gave him a bottle of NZ wine for his troubles and then we said goodbye.
I feel very sad that I won’t have another chance to see you again Ollie – I will miss you. I am however very grateful that you have been my good friend for almost 30 years. Thanks so much Ols (A.K.A. shergar, hos and plain old big nose). It’s been a blast (though sadly far too short)!
Bob (AKA, Bobski, Koj, Theo, Duncan, cue ball, plain old baldy and my real name, Matt)
